I Endured Elementary, Survived High school and Escaped Saskatoon

A few of my friends have asked my opinion on the current situation in the US, noting that we don't have that problem here in Canada.  In some cases I have to make a choice between telling them the truth or keeping their friendship.  But I have to be true to myself and my students so here is my story - it will be hard for some of you to read.  I'm sorry but it's my truth ...

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Most people would say they left home since that is where they grew up.

I escaped.

And I made 2 promises to myself;

1.  I would never live there again.

2.  I would never spend more than 2 weeks at a time there.

For the past 45 years those 2 promises kept me alive.  Most of the people I went to school with would not understand that.  To them I was a happy, caring, smiling and helpful guy.  In fact I was a lonely, sad, scared kid who just wanted friends but, who spent most of his time looking over his shoulder.

Not possible in such a nice non-judgmental, safe place you say.

As a kid I did not even notice that my family looked different from the other kids.  I did not notice the stares (that eventually sent my Aunt and Uncle back to Trinidad).  I barely understood why complete strangers would rub my head and say it was good luck (more for them than me I guess).  

I was too young to understand why we had to look at so many places to rent before we got one.  Turns out places would get rented within seconds of us walking up to the door, un-rented when we walked away.  And, then quickly rented to the next (white) person who walked up.  I did not understand that my mom finally got fed up and phoned first and told the people we were black to avoid the unnecessary trip.  Heck I did not get it in Grade 1 when one of the kids told me that "God made you black so you could be our slaves".

I got it when I was going to a schoolmates place in Grade, with all the other kids in my good Catholic school to play, and my host turned to me and said, "You can't come, my dad doesn't allow niggers in the house." (I never went to a party without a direct invitation after that - it came in Grade 11)

Yep, I got it then.

I finally understood why I was the last one picked for any team.  I finally saw the kids being pulled away by their parents when I went to join their game.  I understood later why I was singled out for special vitriol and anger from the other kids when anything went wrong, whether or not it was my fault.  

And I learned fear.  I learned that if I fought back, I got detention not the other person.  If a bunch of us threw crab apples, I was the one they would remember.  I learned that anything I did was discounted by 50% at its inception.

I switched schools while still in elementary.  There I learned that people could take my name away.  That I could be called "Black" and only "Black"as a name and no one would say a word in my defense.  I learned what it felt like to be too scared to go to school and to miss days because of it.

And I survived.

And I grew tough, and hard, and distant.  I learned to count on no one outside of my family.  I learned to laugh at black jokes, "Hey this is really funny but we don't mean you .."  To be silent when rude, racist things were said to me or about the native kids.  To not spend every day curled in a ball screaming.

Was it all bad.  No of course not, I found ways to be happy.  And there were people who were kind. Things to do to feel good about myself and eventually a group of folks that I could hang around with but, I knew I could not stay.  I needed to breathe.  I needed to live, and staying would kill me.

So I escaped.

I did not escape racism but at least I was able to start to speak up.  I learned that when someone says I don't belong here I can tell them that they don't either (unless they are aboriginal and they never say that stuff to me).  And to dedicate my life to helping others get through that kind of pain.  I learned to be free.  I learned how to be genuinely happy.  And, I learned how to not be afraid anymore.  Of course, I will probably always break into a cold sweat when I see a cop - I've been stopped so many times I go through a checklist in my head and then I hope for the best.

So I understand the anger.

70's Flashbacks

Sometimes life is moving forward, sometimes it is looking back.

I have lived my life generally looking forward, some parts of back were too painful … so I buried them.  I put them so far behind me that they could never wake me in the middle of the night.  I put them so far that I stopped their screaming in my head.  

I allowed myself to be the me I believed I was and that I have finally become.

I took all the negative things that I was told and in some cases made to believe and turned them into a person who has led and mentored hundreds, but …

The past does not like to stay buried and technology continues to shorten distances.

And here we are, the past has come face to face with the now.  How do you address that?  Do you have to if it no longer really matters to you?  Does it really not matter if the mere thought of those days causes nausea, shaking and tears?  Is this PTSD?  

Do you have to put yourself through all of that when life was going well?  Do you owe it to anyone, yourself, them, your students, those that you taught accountability is all that is really important?  

The real problem is that they don't know.  I am pretty sure that while they understand I had a shitty time, they don't realize just how bad if affected me.  My family was great.  Sure I was unsure about my brother's support on a daily basis I knew he always had my back.  I needed that, I felt exposed, judged and targeted from the second I left my door to the minute I returned.  And it took a toll.  

I learned to love but not to trust.

I learned to be an empath while staying separate.

And now the band aid is being ripped off.

In an effort to recover the happy memories, the bad feelings have come back with a vengeance.  I can barely think about talking to some of my past without an emotional reaction.  To be fair, I have forgiven them.  We were kids, it was the time, nobody knew any better, some didn't recognize what was happening … and yet the pain remains.

So I guess this is for the younger me.  I need to tell him that it will get better.  That his life would be filled with triumphs, laughter, travel and adventure. That none of it would matter, except as a motivator.

Waking from trying to end it all and determining not to let 'Them' win was the beginning.  Finding and speaking my own truth, overcoming my fears leading others out of the darkness, that was/is the journey.  The road ahead will be bumpy, again.

The easy way has no value.

What a Year

So somehow, it has gotten to 2020 and I have not written a thing in a while.  Not really surprising given my predilection to stay private, however, it has been an interesting last 15 months and I suppose it should be put out there.

My last blog was all about getting back in touch with my siblings and that has gone very well, I feel better and we talk better so that is good.  It's just that it has been really busy since that.

I had an extreme flu in November and had the unenviable experience of having to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance.  After 11 hours segregated in the emergency, they decided to put me in my own room.  I was not sure why they kept me apart until the nurse presented me with an End-of-Life form.  That is the sort of thing that will make you sit up and take notice.  It will also make you reflect on what life has been for you until that point.  Turns out I was not really that upset, I have achieved more that I ever thought possible with my school and the people I have helped and mentored, and; I have made apologies where I could to the people I may have hurt.  Can't ask for more than that so I was actually in a pretty good mood signing it.  To be fair the nurse may have thought I was nuts but I really had no regrets and in the end I woke up so that worked out.

Two weeks later I learned that my siblings were all getting together in Cozumel and they hadn't told me due to an issue with my sister.  We cleared that up, I took scuba diving here in Calgary and joined them down there at the end of January.  Now an Open Water Diver I have completed something that I had started here in the early 90's and had  been denied since the person who arranged it ripped off the people who taught the course.  All is good though since diving in Cozumel is amazing and I will be heading back there sooner rather than later.




When I returned I set myself on moving.  Being sick made me realize that I was too far away from my family.  Nathan, Ivy and the girls were 45 minutes away by highway around the city which meant I was useless to them in an emergency.  So I resolved to get closer and can now be over within 15 minutes.  Also there is a direct bus from there to here so they can get to me if they'd like.

As I was getting set to move, I had a chat with Anton and mentioned to him that I was thinking I would like to go to Japan in the fall.  Now Anton is the kind of guy who likes to set things in motion, he told Patrick who booked his time to go and then told me, sort of a ball's in your court deal.  So I decided I was going to bite the bullet and find a way to go.  Early November seemed like plenty of lead time, although to be fair time does have way of moving from creeping to galloping in short order.  Got moved, started saving, bought a ticket, kept training , booked a room and got ready to go.  Put more planning into it than virtually any other trip I have ever been on.

I tend to be a very spontaneous traveler.  Although to be fair I generally am going somewhere I know so no real challenge.  In this case I knew I had to have my ducks in a row.  Everyone who knows me knows that I am a Martial Artist and have been doing it since 1985.  This trip was all about wrapping that part of my life up.  I have been suffering from a muscle disease for the past 15 or so years.  It is call Cramp Fasciculation Syndrome and it feels a bit like a 24/7 epileptic seizure.  When you train with this syndrome it is like tightening up an elastic band, that eventually snaps in the form of a late night extreme cramp in one of your muscles, legs, jaw, hand, wherever it wants it seems, and it wakes you in a lot of pain.  It was only 2 years ago that I found a Doctor who even knew what the problem was - he sees it a lot a s neuro-muscular specialist but most G.P.'s only see it a couple of times, if at all in their practice.

All of this to say that as soon as I felt I was healthy enough, this trip became a possibility and then a reality.  I would go, do a high-level test I had always wanted to do and essentially retire from training. I planned on only training every second day but was well enough to train considerably more than that.

My trip inspired me to continue training and I have done so since I returned.

Apology to my siblings

This is an apology to my siblings

I always thought Dad did not like me.  In fact I though he actually disliked me.  I did not know why and after deciding I wasn't adopted I gave up trying to guess because there did not seem to be anything I could do about it anyway.  I actually felt like there was something about me, something intrinsic, that he simply did not like and that bothered him whenever I was around.

Because of that I focused my attention on my brother(s), I say brothers because at the time Mike felt that way to me too.  I felt that as long as they liked me, and mom was OK with me, I would be fine.  That worked for a little while, then we moved to East Heights, I went to a new school and Canute and Mike entered High school.  As an adult I realize that when you are in high school you have less time for Elementary kids and a lot of things to do, as a child I did not.  Instead, I assumed that Canute and Mike had discovered whatever it was that Dad did not like about me and were keeping their distance.  The only person I had in my life was my mom and she seemed to like me no matter what. 

But, I was a very sensitive kid and I was hurting.  Is started to be very angry, lashing out in certain ways and becoming a loner in others.  I felt that if the problem was people getting to know me, I simply would not let anyone in again and until about 20 years ago, when I met Nathan, I didn't.  Unfortunately, that included both of you Allison and Craig.  I vowed at a very early age that you guys would never get to know me so well that you would hate me.  I cut back on playing with you and when I left I decided I would only go back for birthdays, Christmas and other special events so you would only see me at the best of times.  I extended that to when you all go married and had kids, although I came back to Edmonton to watch them grow at a distance.

At the same time I kept Dad as far away from me as possible.  Unfortunately, even though I sent him a letter when I was in my early 30's, we never did resolve our differences so I never found out what his problem with me was (I am still learning to live with that).

When I went to Toronto, I vowed to re-invent myself.  Hopefully no one would see whatever it was Dad, Canute and Mike saw in me and maybe I could be happy.  I became friendly and helpful, a mentor and someone who could be counted on, just not someone you could get close to.

Recently, I re-connected with someone from Elementary school.  He mentioned, off-hand that I was always a friendly person and actually a nice guy.  That simple statement forced me to re-examine my life and see if maybe I had misinterpreted what was really going on.  Maybe my brother did not hate me and was only being nice to me because of Mom.  Maybe I could actually start to let people know me, even though its late my hope is that it's not too late.

I have already had a talk with Canute and let him know what had been hurting me and we seem to be on a great track to spend more time together and get back to where we were as kids.

For you two, I want to stop pulling back as I realize that I did not really reinvent myself so much as allowed the real me to come through.  My whole life is about helping others to achieve there best regardless of what that best is.  In some cases its been just getting off the street, in others it has been a trade or an advanced education.  I have done it through providing a stable support and trying in many ways to model my life so they had an example of being free acknowledging who you are.  My training gave me an outlet and teaching enabled me me to encourage others to achieve their dreams.  Through my school and through allowing my place to be what one person described as an orphanage and another described as a finishing school for lost young men, I have been able to in some cases change lives.

My mistake was not showing that to you guys. I think the most important thing for me to tell you is that I have always been very proud of both of you.  I have even been a little jealous of the relationship you have as you seem to understand each other very well.  As adults I have always admired the strengths you have and how you have handled you relationships and your kids.  
Canute taking in Will for years and Allison, your decision to adopt Nadia made me feel that what I was doing was just how our family is, we have room in our hearts for others.  My decision to add Nathan to our family legally falls in line with that family legacy.

I am going to try to spend more time in Edmonton so Canute and I can actually talk and if I can I would like to spend some time visiting in Devon as I don't think Allison and I have talked normally since she stayed in my place almost 30 years ago.  I have promised myself a trip to Saskatoon next summer to spend some time with Craig and to reconnect with people from my past that were nice to me so maybe I can get a different perspective on my youth.

I am sending this to all of you so maybe we can be on the same page and I can start to feel like I am a part of your lives in an honest open manner.  

Teaching Marital Arts in Canada

As a student, practitioner and teacher of martial arts for the past 33 years ...

Generally Martial Arts instruction in Canada sucks.  Not that the arts being taught suck but the passing on of information is atrocious.  And the reason is simple, most instructors are the person who has survived the longest in the school.  This is the person who is seen as the senior student, obviously the most knowledgeable and, that seems reasonable to the other senior students.

The reality is that the new teacher generally has no real idea how to teach adults and more specifically how to teach North American adults.  This is an important distinction that needs to be addressed.  Martial Arts training, regardless of which Asian country they come from also come with that country’s culture and traditions.  In Japan and China that includes a lifetime of a culture that believes “The nail that sticks out, gets hammered down”.  A culture that is trained to do what they are told and not question the status quo.  Jet Li did not decide to be a Martial Artist, he was told he would be and was sent to a Martial Arts school.  In his own words he then did not even learn to read his own language well as the focus was on Martial Arts not education.

That is the exact opposite of the North American culture.  In this culture children are given the opportunity to decide what they want to experience.  And often they are taken to several different activities to find their passion; gymnastics, dance, hockey, figure skating, etc.  Martial Arts is just one of their many possible choices.  As such if they are going to join a school for any of these activities they will have to be engaged.  This carries through when they are as well.  They will not accept a ‘shut up and listen - this is tradition’ mentality from their instructors.  Unfortunately, many “Sensei” try to recreate what they have heard about or seen in China or Japan without taking the cultural differences into account.

Canadians want answers.  Why am I doing this move?  How will this help me become the Martial Artist I dreamed of becoming?

These two questions address the fundamentals of Martial Arts, the Physical and the Psychological; as well as the core issue of why most people join Martial Arts schools.  After teaching hundreds of students and asking them why they are there I have heard this; “I want to protect myself and my family”, “I want to learn self-discipline” or, “I want to achieve inner peace”.  If we are not dealing with these three fundamental student goals, we should roll up our mats and go home.  Let’s look at these individually. 

I want to protect myself and my family.

The first goal is a physical one and probably the most popular answer.  That means we must be able to teach people to move in a practiced structured way within a reasonable amount of time.  In Japan’s culture a teacher can assign a movement to a student and expect that the student will practice it numerous times and never question why.  In Canada the student will wonder and ask how the movement fits into the overall fighting system.  And, even if they do not ask their teacher directly it will be in the back of their minds. 

As teachers with must anticipate and address that question without resorting to ‘it’s tradition’, which is the “traditional” answer.  Instead we need to be able to explain how the movement increases the student’s ability to move, increases their focus or how it is applied against an opponent.  Answering those questions requires a full understanding of the art, preferably learned from their own teachers.  Sadly, that is rarely the case as many teachers have not actually been told what they are doing, instead they repeat movements by rote rather than conscious understanding. 

The question is how to change this, especially in the more complex arts that involve not just kicking and/or punching, but also deal with ground fighting and a variety of weapons.  Change requires a shift in the way students are trained to eventually become teachers.  This radical shift requires that teachers recognize that the teaching paradigm of standing at the front of the dojo and telling people what to do does not work here and does not produce teachers.  Teachers need to be trained to teach as much as they need to be trained to punch.  And they need to start that training as soon as possible.

There are several benefits in training people to teach early.  By early, I mean within 6 months of joining a school.  By that time the student has learned some basics, whether that be punching, rolling, break falls or kata, and they should be able to speak knowledgeably about them.  The first benefit is to the student who has just joined.  The new student is in a place with a bunch of people who can out-fight them and who understand what is going on, from bowing in to warming up to whatever activity is planned for that night.  This is an intimidating situation especially for students who came to learn to defend themselves out of fear.  The student-teacher provides personal instruction and a person who can help make them feel accepted.

The second benefit is to the student-teacher.  That student-teacher gets the opportunity to reinforce what they have learned and to see the movement from a new perspective which improves their own training.  It also empowers the student-teacher making them feel like a valued member of the school who can contribute.  During that time, the main-teacher can help the student-teacher learn how to help the new student to improve the movements they are trying to learn.

The third benefit is to the school itself.  Doing this guarantees that there is a constant supply of trained knowledgeable teachers available for any emergency or succession of the school itself; none of us can teach forever.

I want to learn Self-discipline

Self-Discipline is internal and cannot ever be externally imposed.  Most people don’t understand that, fortunately it can be modeled and encouraged.  People forget that it takes self-discipline just to make it to class on a regular basis.  We all have lives outside the dojo.  There are always reasons not to go to class, birthday parties, snow, friends are doing something.  Discipline, properly called Self-discipline, is what drives students to class day after day.  Having a teacher who is always there and ready is a great role-model.  Recognizing that is one of the great revelations for many students and encourages them when they realize they are working on something they can already do.  Teachers can reinforce that regularly merely by thanking their students for showing up and recognizing that the student chose to come to class rather than go do something else.  Teachers should never take a student’s attendance for granted, it is a gift and should always be treated as such.  Students who feel accepted, encouraged and appreciated are more likely to return.

I want to achieve inner peace

Finally, inner peace.  As many of us that have trained for years know this too cannot be taught.  It can, however, be achieved.  Inner peace can and has been described by many, and each definition differs slightly.  It must be defined by the student themselves but can be nurtured by the teacher.  Most seem to achieve it when they have defeated their inner demons.  Training seriously requires students to drive themselves in ways they never have before.  It forces them to examine who they are and what they stand for, what they are prepared to do to get what they want and, what they are capable of in the pursuit of their goals.  It is this deep understanding that leads to inner peace for most practitioners as they have beat their most difficult adversary, themselves.

When a teacher has put their students on this path they will find engagement, empowerment and dedication from their students. 

A New Beginning

The year is 2019 and it is time to stop pulling back fro people.  I don't really let people know how I am feeling about the important parts of my life.  I don't discuss the pain, the loneliness, or any of the times I am hurting.  It is a safety mechanism that I have put in place for years to avoid having to be fully open and real with people.  They get to see the strength but not the cost and the only way I am going to be able to clear out my mental closet is to start letting people in.

I went to a psychologist recently.  I filled out the questionnaire that was checking to see if I was in crisis or risk of self-harm.  The crisis line is 65.  The first two times I went I scored a 15 and the last time a 5 so that is not an issue.  The real issue for me is the fact that I was going, not so much to have my issues dealt with, as to have someone in my age group that I could talk to and have him understand the society and time I grew up in.

There I was paying money to a stranger because I was not ready or comfortable having that conversation with friends that I have had for over 50 years or my family.  And that has to stop.

Going forward I am going to let people in.  I have had two very close shaves with death in the last two years and I don't want to go with these last things few unresolved.  I want my family and my friends to know how I feel and why I did some of the things that I did.  I want to reconnect with my old friends and let them know how I feel and find out how they really are, not just the surface.  I want to follow up with some of the kids I  have helped and see their new families.  I want to talk to my students and let them become friends now that we don't have to keep that teacher student wall up.  And finally, I want to reconnect with my art.  After 30 years of training I still have not reached the level I have encouraged others to get to and now that my muscles are starting to work, it is time.

Let's see if that resolution is enough for 2019.  There is more to do, damage to repair and bridges to rebuild, but its a start.

Learning My Past

Not sure where to start all this so I will just write.

A few months ago, last summer I was told by my son and my best friend that I was in crisis.  Did not really know what they meant until I got out of here and was assured of some help, that I did not expect to get.

Then I started working and getting my bills paid.  Tried to have Jim help me and he did but it led to him finding out that no matter how well he knew me I still did not fully trust him and was holding information back.  That led to a break in our relationship that is still being healed.
During the time he was helping me, he encouraged me to see a psychologist.  I did not at that time but I have since started.  Should be interesting.

And then there was a friend.  He was a young man I went to school with from Grade 7.  He was not one of the bullies and maybe because of that I did not full appreciate his quiet friendship and support.  He contacted me because he had finally come out.  

I may have suspected back then but since I didn't know about me (or admit it maybe) he was not one of the people I thought about when I remembered my early life.  And realizing that has led to a whole lot of mental changes and shenanigans.  Also, my other friend had started  to talk to me again so that helped.
My schoolmate made me sad.  He did not come out to his family until he was 50 and to his friends when he was 55.  He is only now starting to live but our phone call forced me to see, for the first time 2 important things; 1. I had friends and people who liked me in school, 2. I was kind, generous, emphatic and mentoring even back then.

The illusion I have labored under was that I built my current persona when I left Saskatoon when in fact it was more a matter of freeing the persona that was already there.  And that was the light-bulb moment.

I realized that I had spent so much time thinking about the bad parts of my school and the people who had hurt me that I forgot to think about the good people.  And in doing so I have forgotten some of my past that I now want to recover.  There were a lot of good people and I am actually going through my yearbook to try to remember.  It is alarming how much anger and hate can cloud other memories.  I have to go back to Saskatoon and find myself.  From George Ward pool, which I think is closed to my schools and the places I went and I will see how my of me I can find.  This will be hard but fun.

January 1, 2014

It seems that every so often I get the urge to just write something down for posterity. I don't generally share it with folks but it makes me feel good. This particular blog is about my recent trip to Saskatoon. I have not been to Saskatoon in the Winter for about 25 years so this was going to be a bit different for me anyway but it was definitely not what I expected. I headed out to Saskatoon on the Sunday before Christmas. There could not have been a more Saskatchewan type of day to be traveling there. By that I mean it was cold, and then there was the wind chill, typical. I had sort of thought that that was why I had left Saskatoon as far as permanence was concerned, not really but it was one of the reasons. And, I knew the weather was supposed to be fairly good in Calgary so not particularly motivated. At the same time I was going back to have a reunion with some people I had traveled to Europe with 40 years ago in 1973. That was my first trip without my parents and it made a huge difference in how my life has gotten to where it is today. In many ways it was one of the first times I was able to feel like a leader, respected for who I was as much as what I knew. It was with those thoughts in mind that I headed East. I had never taken the trip from Calgary to Saskatoon before so it was all new. Past the badlands to make me think of history, across the openness of the prairies; way too much time to think. So why did I leave Saskatoon? Too small? Too much prejudice? Afraid to be me? Hoping for a relationship? Wanting to feel safe and accepted? All of these and more and I knew I could not, ever, ever, go back. And yet, here I was, but thankfully only for a couple of days. I used to be a cab driver in Saskatoon so I knew the city like the back of my hand ... until I got there and realized I was going to a brand new city. I left a large town of about 125,000 and returned to a city of 275,000. I was in town for 20 minutes before I saw anything I recognized. Even the highway that circled the city had to be extended to make room for expansion. And, even before I got to where the reunion was I new I was in a new city, a different Saskatoon. Meeting my old traveling companions was fun. For the most part we were strangers who came together for an extraordinary event, 20 days in Europe, Yugoslavia, Turkey, Lebanon, Greece, Italy and Britain for 24 kids from Saskatoon who's largest school trip before was to Batoche (site of the Riel Rebellion for those of you outside of Saskatchewan). And all of them had been changed by the trip, just as I had. That night I stayed at my brother's place, in a part of town that did not exist when I left. The next day I went for a tour of my old town. I took my nephew along for the ride.