70's Flashbacks

Sometimes life is moving forward, sometimes it is looking back.

I have lived my life generally looking forward, some parts of back were too painful … so I buried them.  I put them so far behind me that they could never wake me in the middle of the night.  I put them so far that I stopped their screaming in my head.  

I allowed myself to be the me I believed I was and that I have finally become.

I took all the negative things that I was told and in some cases made to believe and turned them into a person who has led and mentored hundreds, but …

The past does not like to stay buried and technology continues to shorten distances.

And here we are, the past has come face to face with the now.  How do you address that?  Do you have to if it no longer really matters to you?  Does it really not matter if the mere thought of those days causes nausea, shaking and tears?  Is this PTSD?  

Do you have to put yourself through all of that when life was going well?  Do you owe it to anyone, yourself, them, your students, those that you taught accountability is all that is really important?  

The real problem is that they don't know.  I am pretty sure that while they understand I had a shitty time, they don't realize just how bad if affected me.  My family was great.  Sure I was unsure about my brother's support on a daily basis I knew he always had my back.  I needed that, I felt exposed, judged and targeted from the second I left my door to the minute I returned.  And it took a toll.  

I learned to love but not to trust.

I learned to be an empath while staying separate.

And now the band aid is being ripped off.

In an effort to recover the happy memories, the bad feelings have come back with a vengeance.  I can barely think about talking to some of my past without an emotional reaction.  To be fair, I have forgiven them.  We were kids, it was the time, nobody knew any better, some didn't recognize what was happening … and yet the pain remains.

So I guess this is for the younger me.  I need to tell him that it will get better.  That his life would be filled with triumphs, laughter, travel and adventure. That none of it would matter, except as a motivator.

Waking from trying to end it all and determining not to let 'Them' win was the beginning.  Finding and speaking my own truth, overcoming my fears leading others out of the darkness, that was/is the journey.  The road ahead will be bumpy, again.

The easy way has no value.

What a Year

So somehow, it has gotten to 2020 and I have not written a thing in a while.  Not really surprising given my predilection to stay private, however, it has been an interesting last 15 months and I suppose it should be put out there.

My last blog was all about getting back in touch with my siblings and that has gone very well, I feel better and we talk better so that is good.  It's just that it has been really busy since that.

I had an extreme flu in November and had the unenviable experience of having to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance.  After 11 hours segregated in the emergency, they decided to put me in my own room.  I was not sure why they kept me apart until the nurse presented me with an End-of-Life form.  That is the sort of thing that will make you sit up and take notice.  It will also make you reflect on what life has been for you until that point.  Turns out I was not really that upset, I have achieved more that I ever thought possible with my school and the people I have helped and mentored, and; I have made apologies where I could to the people I may have hurt.  Can't ask for more than that so I was actually in a pretty good mood signing it.  To be fair the nurse may have thought I was nuts but I really had no regrets and in the end I woke up so that worked out.

Two weeks later I learned that my siblings were all getting together in Cozumel and they hadn't told me due to an issue with my sister.  We cleared that up, I took scuba diving here in Calgary and joined them down there at the end of January.  Now an Open Water Diver I have completed something that I had started here in the early 90's and had  been denied since the person who arranged it ripped off the people who taught the course.  All is good though since diving in Cozumel is amazing and I will be heading back there sooner rather than later.




When I returned I set myself on moving.  Being sick made me realize that I was too far away from my family.  Nathan, Ivy and the girls were 45 minutes away by highway around the city which meant I was useless to them in an emergency.  So I resolved to get closer and can now be over within 15 minutes.  Also there is a direct bus from there to here so they can get to me if they'd like.

As I was getting set to move, I had a chat with Anton and mentioned to him that I was thinking I would like to go to Japan in the fall.  Now Anton is the kind of guy who likes to set things in motion, he told Patrick who booked his time to go and then told me, sort of a ball's in your court deal.  So I decided I was going to bite the bullet and find a way to go.  Early November seemed like plenty of lead time, although to be fair time does have way of moving from creeping to galloping in short order.  Got moved, started saving, bought a ticket, kept training , booked a room and got ready to go.  Put more planning into it than virtually any other trip I have ever been on.

I tend to be a very spontaneous traveler.  Although to be fair I generally am going somewhere I know so no real challenge.  In this case I knew I had to have my ducks in a row.  Everyone who knows me knows that I am a Martial Artist and have been doing it since 1985.  This trip was all about wrapping that part of my life up.  I have been suffering from a muscle disease for the past 15 or so years.  It is call Cramp Fasciculation Syndrome and it feels a bit like a 24/7 epileptic seizure.  When you train with this syndrome it is like tightening up an elastic band, that eventually snaps in the form of a late night extreme cramp in one of your muscles, legs, jaw, hand, wherever it wants it seems, and it wakes you in a lot of pain.  It was only 2 years ago that I found a Doctor who even knew what the problem was - he sees it a lot a s neuro-muscular specialist but most G.P.'s only see it a couple of times, if at all in their practice.

All of this to say that as soon as I felt I was healthy enough, this trip became a possibility and then a reality.  I would go, do a high-level test I had always wanted to do and essentially retire from training. I planned on only training every second day but was well enough to train considerably more than that.

My trip inspired me to continue training and I have done so since I returned.