70's Flashbacks

Sometimes life is moving forward, sometimes it is looking back.

I have lived my life generally looking forward, some parts of back were too painful … so I buried them.  I put them so far behind me that they could never wake me in the middle of the night.  I put them so far that I stopped their screaming in my head.  

I allowed myself to be the me I believed I was and that I have finally become.

I took all the negative things that I was told and in some cases made to believe and turned them into a person who has led and mentored hundreds, but …

The past does not like to stay buried and technology continues to shorten distances.

And here we are, the past has come face to face with the now.  How do you address that?  Do you have to if it no longer really matters to you?  Does it really not matter if the mere thought of those days causes nausea, shaking and tears?  Is this PTSD?  

Do you have to put yourself through all of that when life was going well?  Do you owe it to anyone, yourself, them, your students, those that you taught accountability is all that is really important?  

The real problem is that they don't know.  I am pretty sure that while they understand I had a shitty time, they don't realize just how bad if affected me.  My family was great.  Sure I was unsure about my brother's support on a daily basis I knew he always had my back.  I needed that, I felt exposed, judged and targeted from the second I left my door to the minute I returned.  And it took a toll.  

I learned to love but not to trust.

I learned to be an empath while staying separate.

And now the band aid is being ripped off.

In an effort to recover the happy memories, the bad feelings have come back with a vengeance.  I can barely think about talking to some of my past without an emotional reaction.  To be fair, I have forgiven them.  We were kids, it was the time, nobody knew any better, some didn't recognize what was happening … and yet the pain remains.

So I guess this is for the younger me.  I need to tell him that it will get better.  That his life would be filled with triumphs, laughter, travel and adventure. That none of it would matter, except as a motivator.

Waking from trying to end it all and determining not to let 'Them' win was the beginning.  Finding and speaking my own truth, overcoming my fears leading others out of the darkness, that was/is the journey.  The road ahead will be bumpy, again.

The easy way has no value.