A New Beginning

The year is 2019 and it is time to stop pulling back fro people.  I don't really let people know how I am feeling about the important parts of my life.  I don't discuss the pain, the loneliness, or any of the times I am hurting.  It is a safety mechanism that I have put in place for years to avoid having to be fully open and real with people.  They get to see the strength but not the cost and the only way I am going to be able to clear out my mental closet is to start letting people in.

I went to a psychologist recently.  I filled out the questionnaire that was checking to see if I was in crisis or risk of self-harm.  The crisis line is 65.  The first two times I went I scored a 15 and the last time a 5 so that is not an issue.  The real issue for me is the fact that I was going, not so much to have my issues dealt with, as to have someone in my age group that I could talk to and have him understand the society and time I grew up in.

There I was paying money to a stranger because I was not ready or comfortable having that conversation with friends that I have had for over 50 years or my family.  And that has to stop.

Going forward I am going to let people in.  I have had two very close shaves with death in the last two years and I don't want to go with these last things few unresolved.  I want my family and my friends to know how I feel and why I did some of the things that I did.  I want to reconnect with my old friends and let them know how I feel and find out how they really are, not just the surface.  I want to follow up with some of the kids I  have helped and see their new families.  I want to talk to my students and let them become friends now that we don't have to keep that teacher student wall up.  And finally, I want to reconnect with my art.  After 30 years of training I still have not reached the level I have encouraged others to get to and now that my muscles are starting to work, it is time.

Let's see if that resolution is enough for 2019.  There is more to do, damage to repair and bridges to rebuild, but its a start.