Echoes of the Past

So far dad has responded to the treatment and is currently at home although very weak.

As I go through the process of watching my dad's chemotherapy I am forced to examine my own life in relation to what he would have hoped for me to accomplish. It is only through an exercise like that that a person can really decide if it is okay to look at yourself in the mirror or if you should just hang your head in shame. Fortunately, shame is one of those feelings to which I am not particularly prone.

Visiting dad in the hospital has been fairly interesting really, although I have to admit that when I first showed up and spent some time he gave me one of those looks that I interpreted as surprise. Surprise that I would be there or something I thought but I found that it didn't really matter to me what he thought, at that point I knew I had made it to where I had always wanted to be. That may sound bad but I don't mean I disliked him or didn't care, more that I realized I had become exactly what he wanted of me in spite of both of us.

Come on now, what does any parent really want for their children? I would guess that they want their children to be happy, to be healthy, to be internally strong, to be their own person and most of all to be a good person. And I realized I had achieved all of that - not quite the way he would have liked but what the heck what about that be your own person thing.

So anyway, I went to the hospital and spent a fair amount of time there. His wife was there everyday and I have to say I admire her strength. I did manage a couple of long days of up to 8 hours but that was it, none of the 24 hours straight stuff. You are never really prepared for the reality of your parents poor health and the myriad of things that need to be done to help them. Helping them to the bathroom, keeping their sheets straight, holding the water cup; things that we don't even think twice about when we are dealing with babies but with older people it is so much more freighted. I guess we have the hope of the future with a baby, echoed by the fear of the future with a parent.

But what did he really teach me through all those years. I had the opportunity to think about that a lot over the last couple of weeks. There were little things like how to modulate your voice to inspire confidence - my dad has a great voice. And big things like always be there when you are needed, not necessarily there for the little things but for the really important stuff make sure you are there. Dad was not one of those people who told you how he felt, instead he implied with his actions - rubbing your feet when you came home frozen from hockey, didn't go to the game but was there for you when you came home. He once even threatened to kill a dog that was barking at the two of us when I was only 10. More the silent support type than the demonstrative, I still don't know if he came to a play I gave him tickets to.

So now I am content, relaxed even as he has started to actually learn who I am. The same silent support, still always there when needed. My dad belongs to one of those churches, the type that sets my teeth on edge more than any other, the type that feels the more times they can say the Lord's name in a sentence the better they are. This makes sitting through one of their hospital visits quite painful really. And, of course they have to mention that they have not seen me in their church. I actually resisted telling one person that it was to ensure they did not get struck by lightening, my normal response to that kind of nonsense. Instead I managed, in a very civil tongue to let the person know that I did not believe in churches and had no intention of being found there. Naturally this led to the story of how that person had been found - still patient I informed them I was there for my father's health and not my soul and would not have that conversation, so maybe he taught me how to mellow as well.

At any rate I made my peace with myself and hopefully also with him. If not we now have at least a little more time to make any amends that are missing but for me, I have no regrets and frankly I don't think he does either. That for me is the best possible result to be able to say goodbye if you have t, with no regrets, with nothing left unsaid, no anger, no unresolved issues. For that, whatever happens, thanks Dad.

My Dad is Dying

My dad is dying of Acute Myelongenous Leukemia. We just found out two days ago and really got the full diagnosis yesterday. The family sat down to discuss the possible treatment options and it has been decided that he will start chemotherapy, tomorrow. This will be a very aggressive course of chemo actually; partly because things are really bad and partly because his heart is in terrible condition. I may as well add some details here, my dad is 74 years old and is grossly overweight; that along with the fact that he has had no exercise forever, virtually and we know his health was already precarious. The leukemia, however, came right out of left field. He had blood tests in October and his white cell count was great 4.5, two days ago it had shot up to 80. We actually have no idea how long this has been coming at him.

But that is just the medical side; I realize that there are a whole bunch of things that go with this not the least of which is making sense of his life for me and its impact on me. That may sound pretty self-centered but the reality is that my dad and I never really seemed to get along and in many ways I now see that he allowed me to use him as my enemy almost as a spur to me. I don’t for a second think it started out that way but over the years a number of the things I accomplished had a slightly added flavour of ‘in your face dad’. Not in a rebellious way so much more like ‘see I did get my degree’, ‘see I did become a recognized martial artist’, ‘see I am a professional writer’. I have to recognize that there were a few times on the way to here that it was that attitude that got me through some of the tough times.

So what was my dad like? Some times I am not actually sure of the answer to that question. When I was a child he was the authority that I hardly ever saw. He was in university or working most of the time and with a schedule like that he also spent some time trying to get some sleep. It never really occurred to me that most people’s parents weren’t doing that, heck mom was doing much the same thing – I was in university working full time and going to school at the age of 22 and couldn’t understand why my friends thought it was a lot.

I never really understood why most of my parent’s friends were black and there were no black kids at my school. Of course in the early sixties there were very few black families anywhere in Canada but I didn’t know that. I never really understood that they had left virtually all the friends and family so that my brothers and sisters and I could have a better life. I did understand that when a person decided they were going to do something they did not let anything stand in their way. That was a very important lesson that has kept me going at other times as well.

There is a lot more but I am not ready with it yet, but I will revisit this in the months to come. They say he can have a good quality of life for at least another two years and as long as he is not in pain I say lets go for the best treatment we can find but we are setting up the personal directive because he does not want to be a long term care patient if it takes heroic measures to save him; I am okay with that it is the same choice I would have made. Time alone will tell.