Apology to my siblings
This is an apology to my siblings
I always thought Dad did not like me. In fact I though he actually disliked me. I did not know why and after deciding I wasn't adopted I gave up trying to guess because there did not seem to be anything I could do about it anyway. I actually felt like there was something about me, something intrinsic, that he simply did not like and that bothered him whenever I was around.
Because of that I focused my attention on my brother(s), I say brothers because at the time Mike felt that way to me too. I felt that as long as they liked me, and mom was OK with me, I would be fine. That worked for a little while, then we moved to East Heights, I went to a new school and Canute and Mike entered High school. As an adult I realize that when you are in high school you have less time for Elementary kids and a lot of things to do, as a child I did not. Instead, I assumed that Canute and Mike had discovered whatever it was that Dad did not like about me and were keeping their distance. The only person I had in my life was my mom and she seemed to like me no matter what.
But, I was a very sensitive kid and I was hurting. Is started to be very angry, lashing out in certain ways and becoming a loner in others. I felt that if the problem was people getting to know me, I simply would not let anyone in again and until about 20 years ago, when I met Nathan, I didn't. Unfortunately, that included both of you Allison and Craig. I vowed at a very early age that you guys would never get to know me so well that you would hate me. I cut back on playing with you and when I left I decided I would only go back for birthdays, Christmas and other special events so you would only see me at the best of times. I extended that to when you all go married and had kids, although I came back to Edmonton to watch them grow at a distance.
At the same time I kept Dad as far away from me as possible. Unfortunately, even though I sent him a letter when I was in my early 30's, we never did resolve our differences so I never found out what his problem with me was (I am still learning to live with that).
When I went to Toronto, I vowed to re-invent myself. Hopefully no one would see whatever it was Dad, Canute and Mike saw in me and maybe I could be happy. I became friendly and helpful, a mentor and someone who could be counted on, just not someone you could get close to.
Recently, I re-connected with someone from Elementary school. He mentioned, off-hand that I was always a friendly person and actually a nice guy. That simple statement forced me to re-examine my life and see if maybe I had misinterpreted what was really going on. Maybe my brother did not hate me and was only being nice to me because of Mom. Maybe I could actually start to let people know me, even though its late my hope is that it's not too late.
I have already had a talk with Canute and let him know what had been hurting me and we seem to be on a great track to spend more time together and get back to where we were as kids.
For you two, I want to stop pulling back as I realize that I did not really reinvent myself so much as allowed the real me to come through. My whole life is about helping others to achieve there best regardless of what that best is. In some cases its been just getting off the street, in others it has been a trade or an advanced education. I have done it through providing a stable support and trying in many ways to model my life so they had an example of being free acknowledging who you are. My training gave me an outlet and teaching enabled me me to encourage others to achieve their dreams. Through my school and through allowing my place to be what one person described as an orphanage and another described as a finishing school for lost young men, I have been able to in some cases change lives.
My mistake was not showing that to you guys. I think the most important thing for me to tell you is that I have always been very proud of both of you. I have even been a little jealous of the relationship you have as you seem to understand each other very well. As adults I have always admired the strengths you have and how you have handled you relationships and your kids.
Canute taking in Will for years and Allison, your decision to adopt Nadia made me feel that what I was doing was just how our family is, we have room in our hearts for others. My decision to add Nathan to our family legally falls in line with that family legacy.
I am going to try to spend more time in Edmonton so Canute and I can actually talk and if I can I would like to spend some time visiting in Devon as I don't think Allison and I have talked normally since she stayed in my place almost 30 years ago. I have promised myself a trip to Saskatoon next summer to spend some time with Craig and to reconnect with people from my past that were nice to me so maybe I can get a different perspective on my youth.
I am sending this to all of you so maybe we can be on the same page and I can start to feel like I am a part of your lives in an honest open manner.
I always thought Dad did not like me. In fact I though he actually disliked me. I did not know why and after deciding I wasn't adopted I gave up trying to guess because there did not seem to be anything I could do about it anyway. I actually felt like there was something about me, something intrinsic, that he simply did not like and that bothered him whenever I was around.
Because of that I focused my attention on my brother(s), I say brothers because at the time Mike felt that way to me too. I felt that as long as they liked me, and mom was OK with me, I would be fine. That worked for a little while, then we moved to East Heights, I went to a new school and Canute and Mike entered High school. As an adult I realize that when you are in high school you have less time for Elementary kids and a lot of things to do, as a child I did not. Instead, I assumed that Canute and Mike had discovered whatever it was that Dad did not like about me and were keeping their distance. The only person I had in my life was my mom and she seemed to like me no matter what.
But, I was a very sensitive kid and I was hurting. Is started to be very angry, lashing out in certain ways and becoming a loner in others. I felt that if the problem was people getting to know me, I simply would not let anyone in again and until about 20 years ago, when I met Nathan, I didn't. Unfortunately, that included both of you Allison and Craig. I vowed at a very early age that you guys would never get to know me so well that you would hate me. I cut back on playing with you and when I left I decided I would only go back for birthdays, Christmas and other special events so you would only see me at the best of times. I extended that to when you all go married and had kids, although I came back to Edmonton to watch them grow at a distance.
At the same time I kept Dad as far away from me as possible. Unfortunately, even though I sent him a letter when I was in my early 30's, we never did resolve our differences so I never found out what his problem with me was (I am still learning to live with that).
When I went to Toronto, I vowed to re-invent myself. Hopefully no one would see whatever it was Dad, Canute and Mike saw in me and maybe I could be happy. I became friendly and helpful, a mentor and someone who could be counted on, just not someone you could get close to.
Recently, I re-connected with someone from Elementary school. He mentioned, off-hand that I was always a friendly person and actually a nice guy. That simple statement forced me to re-examine my life and see if maybe I had misinterpreted what was really going on. Maybe my brother did not hate me and was only being nice to me because of Mom. Maybe I could actually start to let people know me, even though its late my hope is that it's not too late.
I have already had a talk with Canute and let him know what had been hurting me and we seem to be on a great track to spend more time together and get back to where we were as kids.
For you two, I want to stop pulling back as I realize that I did not really reinvent myself so much as allowed the real me to come through. My whole life is about helping others to achieve there best regardless of what that best is. In some cases its been just getting off the street, in others it has been a trade or an advanced education. I have done it through providing a stable support and trying in many ways to model my life so they had an example of being free acknowledging who you are. My training gave me an outlet and teaching enabled me me to encourage others to achieve their dreams. Through my school and through allowing my place to be what one person described as an orphanage and another described as a finishing school for lost young men, I have been able to in some cases change lives.
My mistake was not showing that to you guys. I think the most important thing for me to tell you is that I have always been very proud of both of you. I have even been a little jealous of the relationship you have as you seem to understand each other very well. As adults I have always admired the strengths you have and how you have handled you relationships and your kids.
Canute taking in Will for years and Allison, your decision to adopt Nadia made me feel that what I was doing was just how our family is, we have room in our hearts for others. My decision to add Nathan to our family legally falls in line with that family legacy.
I am going to try to spend more time in Edmonton so Canute and I can actually talk and if I can I would like to spend some time visiting in Devon as I don't think Allison and I have talked normally since she stayed in my place almost 30 years ago. I have promised myself a trip to Saskatoon next summer to spend some time with Craig and to reconnect with people from my past that were nice to me so maybe I can get a different perspective on my youth.
I am sending this to all of you so maybe we can be on the same page and I can start to feel like I am a part of your lives in an honest open manner.
posted by Searcher @ 9:10 AM
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