Searcher

US Election First Reactions

2008-11-08T15:32:00.000-08:00

Obama – The Sound of Shattering Glass

Sometimes when you put your thoughts on paper you are not sure if they are conveying what you really want to say. In this case I find myself having trouble putting it all together. Do I start with my family moving to Canada, my own experiences in school, stories of Jackie Robinson, Rosa Parks? I could start with John Kennedy and my mother’s tears.

Indeed that really is where the story starts for me. I had never seen my mother cry and I really didn’t understand it then but the first time I saw it was the day John Kennedy was shot. Even then it seemed distant, and I knew nothing about geography, it just didn’t seem to have anything to do with me. Frankly, I only barely know I was black and had no idea what that meant.

Over time I would come to know what being black meant. Of course back then we weren’t black yet, it was the early sixties and to many, sometimes even our teachers, we were still niggers. To the intelligencia we were Negros and to the ultra liberal we were coloured. Don’t let me five you the impression that there were a lot of we, in my case it was my mom, dad and older brother. In the entire separate school board in our town my brother and I were the first.

Being first made me truly appreciate what it is for the first person to break any barriers, although it is only now as I am older that I can really understand. And when your differences can be seen at huge distances, and when your differences have been denigrated for generations each breaking barrier is greeted with both cheers and jeers. It is the jeers that sounded so resoundingly for so many years because not matter how high we flew there were places we could not go.

And here I find myself, shocked by not knowing which should surprise me more, the fact that it is happened, the fact that it took so long or the fact that I find myself explaining to people what it means for black people. The strange looks as if to say, what do you mean prejudice, I’ve never seen it. Their surprise, almost as if to say; “Well it has never happened to me” and the clear implication that it could not be true. Of course not, you are white, how would you know what I mean by prejudice against blacks, it is not your experience. That does not make it any less real.

Still, there is a part of me that is happy to hear the very colour-blindness of the youth. Yes they should know the history, but hopefully only as history and not as their own truth.

I feel a little like a former overweight person who upon having lost the weight still has the same body image. How long before the scars can heal, will the ripple in the pond echo in our lifetimes and will we, the older generation be able to move beyond our pain and be part of the new order.

Wow, Am I Still Blogging

2007-12-16T18:54:00.000-08:00

So, now I have read my last blog. It has been an interesting time, 10 months can provide for a lot of living. Seems some of that old stuff was pretty down. These damn blogs provide to fine an insight into where we were at different times. Anyway, another year has come and gone and we are about to have our second Christmas without my dad, not a bad time all in all, circle of life and all that.

I have spent a rather indolent year perfecting my golf game. Always a perfectionist, I am sure I have driven my friends nuts with the stupid game. Regardless, it is an activity that forces a person to be continually trying to improve and I like that sort of thing.

My training has been at a standstill for the past few months as I try to figure out what the hell is wrong with my body but we seem to be getting closer, we'll see. My goal for 2008 is to go back to Japan for a couple of weeks, take Nathan with me and if possible make a side trip to Beijing so I can be my little friends Godfather, as I promised so long ago. If I can also send my mother to see her last cousin, well the last one she wants to see, one last time that would be good too.

It is quite probably well past time I started doing this on a regular basis. The year, 2008 must be the year I take my training to the next level. It has now been 22 years of training, I have spawned 4 schools and spent thousands of dollars traveling and building up my club. At this point I should either start traveling and doing seminars or at the very least commit myself to regular annual trips to Japan.

Naturally, that brings some other things to the fore. when I was in Japan the last time I was asked if I could teach Jazz singing. That was one of many indications that at some time I should look seriously at developing my voice. I know, I'm old and I have no interest whatsoever in finding myself back on a stage, but... So I have decided to take up another hobby, singing lessons. This is what comes of not having children way too much time on my hands. Fortunately, there is a guy in the building who teaches for much less that going to Grant McEwan.

Anyway the year is about to end so this is a good time to look forward and see what the heck is up. I shall try to chronicle this year more acutely than this past year.

An Interesting Year

2007-02-25T20:03:00.000-08:00

When I think back on this year in the future it will be known as a year of both great loss and gain. It all started with the loss of my friend Robin, continued with the loss of my father. In recent days I lost a friend who actually taught me quite a lot about life in general. Chuck was a drag queen who lived life like it was a game. Not in the way that he wasn't serious about life, more like the plan was to have fun playing and he made sure he did. Of course, having grown up in Saskatoon I was all about doing what the mob said was the right thing. Not always the wrong choice but not the best way to live a life of meaning and depth. Too often instead of doing those things that we know we can or would like to we chicken out because of what we think others might think of us. Chuck, by the way he was known as Lulu and should be remembered that way, anyway he was one of the first people I knew who really didn't seem to give a shit what others thought of him. Standing 6'3" before he put on heels he cut a wide swath through Edmonton's Gay Community. One of those people who everyone knew and some knew well. Can't say that I was one of the priviledged few, just one of the peripherals who got to watch the show. I did once have the opportunity to travel to Vancouver in a car with him and a few others. That had to be one of the stranger weekends I have ever had. I don't bowl often but doing it with a bunch of drag queens is probably the most fun you can have with your clothes on. Its loud, obnoxious and in many ways barely legal I am sure but that still didn't get us kicked out. I don't think I was ever in a louder group before in my life, always too scared, thinking that maybe I should do the right thing, do what is expected of me. Heck it even took me a half dozen frames just to start having fun, the limits we put on ourselves. Lulu did not have those restrictions, he seemed to figure that as long as he wasn't hurting anyone else he could do what he wanted, and he did. That more than anything else is what he taught me, "In living life to the fullest you must be your own judge".
That lesson helped the most when I decided to go back to university, there were enough people thinking it was a waste of time, that if I had listened to them I would not be where I am today. Lulu was one of those people, like Lee who basically said that if I really wanted to do it I should just go for it.
No amount of religion, belief or law will make a bad person good, and no amount of acting out will make a good person bad. Lulu was a good person, I'll miss him, both as Lulu and as Chuck, more important, I'll miss him as my friend.

I Think I'm Ready

2007-02-18T10:08:00.000-08:00

As I sit down to write this my hands have started shaking. This is the first post since the eulogy and for some reason I am nervous. So let's catch up, I have not blogged in a year and it is only now that I am ready to start writing again. This last year has been the most interesting one of my life. After the passing of my father, I found myself able to accept being called Mr. C, a moniker I had always left for him. Anyway I continued to work at my regular job and take the odd contract on the side as winter moved towards spring and life was again renewed.

Because of the loss of my friend Robin I had become friends with her brother. When he moved back to New Brunswick with her son, he invited me to come and visit him. I had never been to the East Coast and it certainly seemed like a good idea to me. I was at first going to drive out there with my friend T but he had a bit of a meltdown in early spring and wasn't talking to me for a while. Instead her son's best friend decided he wanted to go out as well so we decided to travel together. So the plan was that when my contract ended we would go, as it turned out we went from Aug 5 to Aug 21 and I had one of the best trips of my life.

I have always been a big fan of Canada and the opportunity to actually see it as an adult seemed like too good an opportunity to miss. The plan was to drive out quickly and to take our time coming back, naturally there would be some places on the way out that we could not miss, just in case. For example, how many opportunities do you have to see the world's largest tomahawk?

Or the world's largest nickel? These are important landmarks on the Canadian scenery, and seem to be almost more Canadian than anything else we saw.

A brief stop at the monument to Terry Fox.

Some 8 foot carvings in Mattawa and the next thing you know, we were past the far extremes of where I had gotten to in my previous Eastward forays.

We finally ended up in New Brunswick, as planned, and had a great time there. Which for me included playing golf every full day I was there. We also managed to get out to PEI, to see Anne of Green Gables house and saw Halifax where we toured the maritime Museum of the Atlantic and I was able to reconnect with an old friend.

Our return trip saw us stopping in Quebec City, Montreal, Ottawa, Toronto and Niagara Falls before taking a 20 hour non-stop from Thunder Bay home.

I returned home and prepared for a trip to Vancouver to celebrate the wedding of a friend and fellow searcher. Fun trip, more golf even in the rain and a wedding where the bridesmaids were in flip flops, way too much fun. With that trip I was able to golf on both coasts within 30 days of each other, cool if nothing else.

Interestingly, shortly after I got back from Vancouver I was invited back to where I used to work, new contract, more money who could say no. In the end I have probably had the best year of my life in many ways, I wish my dad had been here to see it but I know he would have been very happy for me, so that works.

So what am I really doing now? Well I have a friend with a school on the other side of town and he needs some help. Actually he is in the hospital and I just want to keep his school open in case he is able to come back to it. This may seem odd given that I have just officially given up my own school. The reality is that I wouldn't even be doing this except that he is sick and I really don't feel that I have much choice but to help out.

There is no question that this is a different group. First off, they are a lot younger than I am used to teaching. I have never taken students under the age of 18 except in very rare cases. These guys have a kids and a youth class, talk about a wake up call. These guys have to work on focus but how do you teach that at that age? Not that it really matters, they are learning even if I don't feel I am having much effect.

Aside from that my muscles are not working the way they should, that's why I stopped teaching really. It would be really nice if at the very least I knew what the heck the problem is. I should be in really great shape as I start the second half century, I certainly spent enough time working out. Did all the things they tell you you ought to do to stay healthy into a comfortable middle and old age, and yet the old bod is letting me down.

Regardless, this is shaping up to be one of my best years ever financially and personally. With a trip to Palm Springs in a couple of weeks and seminars in BC and Edmonton it should be a lot of fun. Won't bore the one reader with all the details but I will be back at this soon.

My Dad's Eulogy

2006-03-06T09:17:00.000-08:00

To anyone who actually read this, I hope you never have to do this for your parent. I was lucky we had no more issues and nothing really left to say. We had already said "I love you", when you can say that and mean it, the rest is mere window dressing.

Eulogy for My Father
Some of you called him Canute

Some of you called him bumpa

It doesn’t really matter what you called him, he called all of you family and family was very important to him

I just called him dad so that’s how I’ll talk about him this afternoon. We will never each see any person the same way but sometimes if you hear enough about them from several different people you can get a really clear picture, this is my piece of the puzzle.

My dad was born in Trinidad West Indies in 1931 and by the time he was 11 he had survived Diphtheria, Malaria and Typhoid. Graduating high school in his teens he went to teacher’s college where he started his first career as a teacher. He met and married his first wife my Mom Yvonne and they moved with my brother Canute and me to Canada in 1958.

Dad studied to become a psychiatric nurse at the Moose Jaw Technical School and later studied engineering at Queens and the University of Saskatchewan. Fortunately for hundreds of students and many friends engineering was not really his thing. Instead he returned to his first love teaching. He earned his Bachelor’s Degree in Education in 1969 and taught for a time in rural Saskatchewan. By then his family had expanded to five children with the addition of Stephanie, Craig and Allison.

As time passed my mom and he went in separate directions and he found himself teaching in …. Here he met and was I am told, immediately smitten with his loving wife Gail. Over the next four years their love grew and finally they married adding an untold number to his family group but most especially adding Gail, Holly and Rae Lea. He connected strongly with the quiet strength of his father-in-law Glen and always felt welcome at Bertha’s table, even when he said things were “Quite nice” when he meant “Very Nice”.

It was during this period in his life that most of you got the opportunity to meet and get to know my dad; it was the beginning of a very special phase in my dad’s life. He continued to teach for the … Public School Board for 23 years and became very active in his church. I am sure I cannot look at this crowd without knowing that in many ways he touched each and every one of you.

All of you know of his intense love of children and how he could get any child’s trust in an instant. What some of you may not know is of his love of poetry – you knew he could recite large portions of the Bible but he could also recall many of the poems he learned in his youth.

My brothers and sisters and I will always remember him reading, wherever he could, whenever he could. When I was a teenager he discovered the used book store and he started bringing home westerns – 12 at a time. Canute and I initially struggled to hide our current book two weeks later before he swept them up and went back to the store for 12 more. That is how I ended up being such a fast reader; I was just trying to keep up. In the last few years I think every clerk in a Chapters in this city has seen him haunting their store and sitting in for a read.

From his work in marriage counselling to singing with the choir we just had the pleasure of listening to, he involved himself in living and loving and doing both with all his heart and doing both well. When he retired he was able to complete his dream of getting a Master’s degree in Divinity which he immediately put to work doing palliative care at the Royal Alex hospital.

My dad got sick last April as many of you know but he did not let it stop him from living his life to the fullest. He had just returned from a trip to Hawaii on Saturday and you should know that he had the chance to see many of the fruits and vegetables from his youth on a drive he took the day before he returned, he also managed to read a paper and be a pain to the nurses.

That all tells you a bit about who he was and what he did but I think I would like to tell you a bit about how he taught us lessons.

How many of you grandchildren can remember seeing your mom or dad with a gift from Santa that looked like this. I never really asked him why but we all got them every year; let me tell you what I finally figured out. When we were very young Canute and I our family did not have a lot of money, we had recently immigrated and our parents were just getting set up. Every year for Christmas as a very special treat we would buy a few cans of oysters, some years only two cans. We would share one can on Christmas eve and the other some time before New Years. That was really Christmas for him, we get those cans to remember how very lucky we are today.

Lately the cans of oysters have been replaced with the New Years Day supper. Some of you may even remember the instructions “Okay I made three kinds of meat one is chicken, one is goat and one is beef. There is roti over there also, take what you want but eat what you take.”

That is a good motto for the way he lived his life, “take what you want but eat what you take”. He may not have always agreed with us for how we followed that motto but he was always there for us as we did; thanks for the lessons dad

My Dad's Obituary

2006-03-06T09:05:00.000-08:00

Canute Andrew Sr.
On february 4, 2006 Canute .... of ..., Canada was called home to Glory at the age of 75.

Darling husband and best friend of Gail and much loved father of (large list of children, step children, in-laws etc., and those who went before him).

Canute was born in Trinidad, W.I., January 19, 1931 to Jeremiah and Isabella. He immigrated to Canada in 1957 and was joined by his family a year later. Cnaute continued his pursuit of eductation in Saskatchewan and Kingston, ON. Throughout the years he was a nurse, a teacher and an educational counselor with the Department of Indaina Affairs. In the early 70's he moved to Edmonton where he was a dedicated counselor and teacher with ... Public Schools for 23 years. After retiring at age 65 he returned to his first love (education), earning a Master of Divinity degree from .... Baptist Seminary. Canute and Gail served as counselors in .... Church for over twenty years, up to the time of his passing.

Echoes of the Past

2005-04-29T11:58:00.000-07:00

So far dad has responded to the treatment and is currently at home although very weak.

As I go through the process of watching my dad's chemotherapy I am forced to examine my own life in relation to what he would have hoped for me to accomplish. It is only through an exercise like that that a person can really decide if it is okay to look at yourself in the mirror or if you should just hang your head in shame. Fortunately, shame is one of those feelings to which I am not particularly prone.

Visiting dad in the hospital has been fairly interesting really, although I have to admit that when I first showed up and spent some time he gave me one of those looks that I interpreted as surprise. Surprise that I would be there or something I thought but I found that it didn't really matter to me what he thought, at that point I knew I had made it to where I had always wanted to be. That may sound bad but I don't mean I disliked him or didn't care, more that I realized I had become exactly what he wanted of me in spite of both of us.

Come on now, what does any parent really want for their children? I would guess that they want their children to be happy, to be healthy, to be internally strong, to be their own person and most of all to be a good person. And I realized I had achieved all of that - not quite the way he would have liked but what the heck what about that be your own person thing.

So anyway, I went to the hospital and spent a fair amount of time there. His wife was there everyday and I have to say I admire her strength. I did manage a couple of long days of up to 8 hours but that was it, none of the 24 hours straight stuff. You are never really prepared for the reality of your parents poor health and the myriad of things that need to be done to help them. Helping them to the bathroom, keeping their sheets straight, holding the water cup; things that we don't even think twice about when we are dealing with babies but with older people it is so much more freighted. I guess we have the hope of the future with a baby, echoed by the fear of the future with a parent.

But what did he really teach me through all those years. I had the opportunity to think about that a lot over the last couple of weeks. There were little things like how to modulate your voice to inspire confidence - my dad has a great voice. And big things like always be there when you are needed, not necessarily there for the little things but for the really important stuff make sure you are there. Dad was not one of those people who told you how he felt, instead he implied with his actions - rubbing your feet when you came home frozen from hockey, didn't go to the game but was there for you when you came home. He once even threatened to kill a dog that was barking at the two of us when I was only 10. More the silent support type than the demonstrative, I still don't know if he came to a play I gave him tickets to.

So now I am content, relaxed even as he has started to actually learn who I am. The same silent support, still always there when needed. My dad belongs to one of those churches, the type that sets my teeth on edge more than any other, the type that feels the more times they can say the Lord's name in a sentence the better they are. This makes sitting through one of their hospital visits quite painful really. And, of course they have to mention that they have not seen me in their church. I actually resisted telling one person that it was to ensure they did not get struck by lightening, my normal response to that kind of nonsense. Instead I managed, in a very civil tongue to let the person know that I did not believe in churches and had no intention of being found there. Naturally this led to the story of how that person had been found - still patient I informed them I was there for my father's health and not my soul and would not have that conversation, so maybe he taught me how to mellow as well.

At any rate I made my peace with myself and hopefully also with him. If not we now have at least a little more time to make any amends that are missing but for me, I have no regrets and frankly I don't think he does either. That for me is the best possible result to be able to say goodbye if you have t, with no regrets, with nothing left unsaid, no anger, no unresolved issues. For that, whatever happens, thanks Dad.

My Dad is Dying

2005-04-06T16:25:00.000-07:00

My dad is dying of Acute Myelongenous Leukemia. We just found out two days ago and really got the full diagnosis yesterday. The family sat down to discuss the possible treatment options and it has been decided that he will start chemotherapy, tomorrow. This will be a very aggressive course of chemo actually; partly because things are really bad and partly because his heart is in terrible condition. I may as well add some details here, my dad is 74 years old and is grossly overweight; that along with the fact that he has had no exercise forever, virtually and we know his health was already precarious. The leukemia, however, came right out of left field. He had blood tests in October and his white cell count was great 4.5, two days ago it had shot up to 80. We actually have no idea how long this has been coming at him.

But that is just the medical side; I realize that there are a whole bunch of things that go with this not the least of which is making sense of his life for me and its impact on me. That may sound pretty self-centered but the reality is that my dad and I never really seemed to get along and in many ways I now see that he allowed me to use him as my enemy almost as a spur to me. I don’t for a second think it started out that way but over the years a number of the things I accomplished had a slightly added flavour of ‘in your face dad’. Not in a rebellious way so much more like ‘see I did get my degree’, ‘see I did become a recognized martial artist’, ‘see I am a professional writer’. I have to recognize that there were a few times on the way to here that it was that attitude that got me through some of the tough times.

So what was my dad like? Some times I am not actually sure of the answer to that question. When I was a child he was the authority that I hardly ever saw. He was in university or working most of the time and with a schedule like that he also spent some time trying to get some sleep. It never really occurred to me that most people’s parents weren’t doing that, heck mom was doing much the same thing – I was in university working full time and going to school at the age of 22 and couldn’t understand why my friends thought it was a lot.

I never really understood why most of my parent’s friends were black and there were no black kids at my school. Of course in the early sixties there were very few black families anywhere in Canada but I didn’t know that. I never really understood that they had left virtually all the friends and family so that my brothers and sisters and I could have a better life. I did understand that when a person decided they were going to do something they did not let anything stand in their way. That was a very important lesson that has kept me going at other times as well.

There is a lot more but I am not ready with it yet, but I will revisit this in the months to come. They say he can have a good quality of life for at least another two years and as long as he is not in pain I say lets go for the best treatment we can find but we are setting up the personal directive because he does not want to be a long term care patient if it takes heroic measures to save him; I am okay with that it is the same choice I would have made. Time alone will tell.

Mayerthorpe Shooting

2005-03-19T09:17:00.000-08:00

I was thinking about the whole Mayerthopre incident the other day and a few things caught my attention. But before I go to far into them I should mention this, I have one friend who was in jail waiting for one of the officers to testify against him and another friend who was a very good friend one of the officers. That being the case I hope that my comments can be objective enough that they help me at lease achieve some level of clarity.

Anyway, the things that caught my attention fell into a few different areas; planning the original visit, media coverage, legal questions and government responsibility. Since I really feel that many of these areas overlap, I am not going to try to limit myself to a strickly linear discussion. for example, when I refer to government responsibility I am referring not just to their inability to keep the staffing levels of the RCMP at what they should be for such a prosperous province but also their inability to house and support those members of our society that maybe should not be at large.

These two areas directly relate to the planning of the original visit, all of us know or have met someone that we would rather not run into in a dark alley. From all accounts JR was one of those people. On two recent occasions univited guests had received very negative greetings, one couple trying to enumerate for the election, had their tires blown out by a spike belt. Following that, a process server had to get a police escort to go to the property, those police refused to enter the property without more members. Anyone seeing a warning light going off here. Then we have the neighbors and his family saying the guy is a nut case. His family disowns him, his ex-friends are afraid of him stalking them and his arrest record goes back to about his school days , often for violent acts. Sounds like more warning signs.

How do you deal with that is of course the first question. Well it seems to me that there needs to be a threat assessment system in place where as a person goes through the system differnt flags are set off, what the hell the US has a terror assesment system it can't be that hard to develop. Added to that is the idea that people should be able to contact the authorities when they know of someone like that and add their assessment to the mix. Will there be some abuse as people use this to get back at others, yes, in the same way that people are falsely accused of assault and rape all the time, most often the truth will out and fortunately with DNA generally the innocent will go free. With a system like that in place it makes it easier for the police to say, "Sorry we don't go there without a significant force and we do not leave anyone on the property until the suspect is secured." Heck they arrested a 61 year old with the tactical unit in Edmonton while the RCMP, who should know better sent a few relatively young people into a hostile explosive situation. Two officers to wait for a person who has been reported to have numerous guns, who has past accusations if not convictions of pointing those guns at people, who is known to have a particular hate on for authority and who has acres of unsecured property to hide on. What the hell was the detachment thinking?

Maybe they were thinking that if the guy was really crazy and dangerous he'd already be locked up. Here we get to governement responsibility. We all go blithely along believing that the gov't is doing certain things to ensure our safety; making us wear seat belts and hard hats, checking the quality of our air and meat, and helping those who need help while protecting us from those that cannot be considered safe. Unfortunately, here in the richest province, we don't have the money or the desire to actually perform that last task. It is a lot easier to play ostrich and pretend that we are only letting people onto the street who will not harm themselves or others. Instead we are letting anyone out who can cover most of their own bills and will only starve to death on an individual basis, far enough apart so they can't be linked. Their outbreaks and criminal behaviour will be explained away in any manner that doesn't suggest they are unbalanced and if htey do something bad enough rather than treatment we will just lock them up for the requisite amount of time - warehouse them - and send them back out, hoping that if they do lose it it will be after the next election or in someone elses backyard.

So where does the media come in. That's actually almost a gimme. Let's be realistic, the media is about as interested in getting the truth out as any other conman. All they really want is a catchy sound bite that captures their audience long enough to get ratings. Sound bite 1 - grow-op = organized crime. Sound bite 2 organized crime = dead policemen. Sound bite 3 dead policemen = gun registry. And actually none of these things add up. Let's take the first sound bite; in their very first reports of the killing (after the event) they state clearly that the police were there to serve a warrant for stolen car parts and accidently saw the grow-op. It seems to me that maybe the hysteria should have been about car thefts in Alberta leading to this kind of tragedy, unfortunately we have so many car thefts that it isn't really news so why flog it, instead GROW-OPS!!, GROW-OPS!!!, GROW-OPS!!!! is flashed everywhere leading to calls of crackdowns and fears of Reefer Madness run rampant through the heartland.

Sound bite 2 organized crime = dead policemen. Okay if crime is that organized does it make sense to cause the police to be this pissed off or, is it easier to pay the money for a good attorney and call it the cost of doing business. There is no way that increased scrutiny of their operations can help what they are trying to accomplish, they are not out for publicity so why wouldn't they just let the drugs get confiscated and the property if necessary. Aren't we also supposed to believe that it is a multi-million dollar industry this should be peanuts. If they are not that organized then the term is an oxymoron and the media is instead treating us a morons if they think we believe it.

Sound bite 3 dead policemen = gun registry. The holes in that should fit a semi, especially in these days of virtually anything being available over the internet and the world's largest undefended border just hours away from virtually every major Canadian city. A child could see that with the amount of traffic flowing from the US, there is virtually no way to stop any determined individual from having anything that is available in the US. It may be a pain to get to but not impossible.

So let's add all this up. We have the warning signs that are not heeded. We have a lot of untreated unbalanced people running around. We have an availability of weapons with space to hide people as well as weapons. We have the media ready to call people to arms if we send in enough officers without being able to justify it and we have the makings of a tragedy, not just here but virtually all over the province and as recent event show possibly all over Canada.

So maybe he should not have been loose in the first place. If loose he should have been monitored or at least had a warning attached to his file. If a warning was there, then there should have been more officers. If none of this was done the media should be our first line of defense to ensure it is done properly in the future. And, the media has to take responsibility for investigating what is really going on rather than spending their time chasing sound bites and advertising dollars.

For myself I will be interested to see what recommendations come out of this, and then of course see if any of it helps.

That's my two cents.

Where the hell have I been?

2005-01-24T16:53:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I am not going into all the details of what I have been up to for the past couple of months when I have not been posting. Instead I will share with you the insights that have come out of my abscence.
First, when you start blogging you become more observant both of your own actions and of others.
This first observation has taken me to find out some other stuff most of which I will relate to golf or martial arts or writing since those are the areas I actually understand at some level.

I have observed that people who do reallywell in elementary and high school, often do less well outside of those arenas. As I am one of those people I have taken a fairly hard look at the process of educating the gifted (as we were called). The first thing I notice is that we were expected to be more grown up than our counterparts, for example no one expects the others to do a presentation for anyone outside the school especially not when there are visitors to the school. In some cases we aren't even warned in advance of the event. As I look back on this I realize that many of those teachers thought they were providing a great opportunity but few thought of the stress that can put on a child. Aside for needing to be correct, the very singling out of the person for special positive treatment can cause problems with those who are singled out for corrective treatment. I have observed with some children that this can result in a dumbing down of the child's in class interaction so s/he can play more comfortably with their peers. Unfortunately, this can result in the resulting adult feeling more comfortable with people who do not challenge them intellectually later in life.

Added to this problem is what results from the child always succeeding at school tasks with very little effort. This actually has two negative results first the child never learns the lesson of having to work hard to learn anything which can prevent them from enjoying the feeling of working for a success. Unfortunately later when they need to learn something e.g. golf, martial arts or even academics, then have difficulty sticking to the task as they feel they should already know it. The second problem is one of self-motivation, which may actually be a subset of the first issue. Self-motivation requires the feeling that hard work will payoff, never work hard, never get the payoff, never do any hard work.

Finally this has led to what I am now starting to think of as the Success Tripod: Repetition, Discipline, Responsibility. Maybe this is old news to most people but I don't think anyone ever articulated it to me. It goes like this; as kids we do things repetitively and often we hate to do it because we don't really know why we are going over something ad nauseum. What we don't realize is that we are learning the first and most important step in success - the ability to do something over and over again without necessarily seeing an immediate benefit.

The successes we achieve in our schoolwork by doing this leads to the second leg of the tripod, Discipline. I define discipline as doing the thing we don't want to do, when we don't want to do it. In school we were forced but now we start to force ourselves this not only develops discipline it also displays it.

This leads to the final leg, Responsibility. By this I mean being personally responsible for any outcomes over which we have control. This includes taking responsibility for things we have done that may have gone wrong as well as those that have ended well.

Without all three legs our tripod cannot stand. And yet they feed off each other in many ways, anyone who looks honestly at their life can easily see how for every success they achieved these three elements were there in greater or lesser degrees. The question then becomes how do we teach these to children and how if a person does not learn them as a child we can teach them to adults. It would seem that teaching this would be a first step in changing people's lives for the better and in fact as I write this I wonder if maybe this is what so much of our study into the human condition is really for, to find out why some are able to achieve while others with even greater raw abilities somethimes fail. I am going to keep thinking about this in relation to my own inability to post more regularly and what it reveals about me.

Time and Changes

2005-01-07T19:53:00.000-08:00

Interestingly enough I started with the idea that I should spend some time thinking about the good things in life and the great things that are happening for me. That seems to make sense at the beginning of the year, everything is new, fresh and possible. So I can start with watching some of my friends; this year three of them had children, one girl and two boys. All of them are healthy. The interesting thing is I did expect one of them to have a child very early, the other two not so much. Not that it is a problem as the new fathers seem to be settling in to their new roles very well - this whole child thing changes them and makes them at least want to be responsible. There have been no deaths that I have been associated with closely except to provide emotional support to someone I have yet to meet..
I created the cards for my club and even though they are on crappy paper, they work and I have begun handing them out, we'll see where that takes us. The other business should take off this week, I have to get in contact with one of the people I emailed and have to start making the necessary phone calls to get others, no problem. Now that is really interesting, after writing about how hard it was to make the calls I have had enough time to let it get into my system and I am actually looking forward to getting this done. This really stems from telling a friend that it was time he got out of my life. I realized that some of the stuff he was doing was really pissing me off especially since I did some of it myself. Now having determined that I don't want that sort of thing in my life it is easier to just move on and do the work. I am trying my friend C.D.'s idea of going hard for six months and when I look at it like that it is easier.

Failure vs Success

2004-12-17T14:43:00.000-08:00

As motivators and de-motivators the fears of failure and success are in many ways at opposite ends of the spectrum and yet they lead to the same end. I wonder if writing about the two I will come to some understanding of which it is that delays me and from there find ways out.
I have always been concerned that people see me in s certain way and I am starting to think that this kind of concern has prevented me from taking a big risk in case I made a big mistake and was seen to be not as much as I thought I was. And yet in not trying I find myself as I said before just barely surviving on the edge. So what is really the worst that could happen if I really did make all the phone calls and no one needed my work? Would I be any worse off than now, when I do have a couple of places that use me all the time? Not really, the only thing I would know for sure is that I was marketing to the wrong people or in the wrong way. There are so many manuals and written documents of so many types that are created in virtually every business every day it is not possible that I have kept going on the very small group of clients who use technical writers or who would like to use technical writers. In fact I would be inclined to guess that the demand for us far outstrips the supply. It is a new field in many ways and not a lot of people like to do it. In fact the first graduates in the field are only now getting out of University.
What about the other end of the coin? What do I stand to lose if I actually make it financially. I don't think I would become an instant asshole, admittedly a possibility in the past but I think I have grown. That means I don't have to worry about my integrity. I should not lose any of my friends as they will like me broke or well off. Basically the only thins I lose is the ability to bitch about not getting anywhere in my life. That doesn't seem to be a lot to give up to earn a decent living and have clothes that aren't sort of falling off.
Interestingly enough the mere act of sending off those emails was empowering and getting an immediate response is certainly good reinforcement. Whether that turns into a contract I don't know yet but while I am waiting to find out I should be able to locate a couple of other people to talk to. My goal for the beginning of February is to sign up 5 new companies for some service or other - that may require up to 250 calls. By spring I want to be able to afford to go to Cliff's wedding without worrying financially, join a golf club for around $1300.00 and set up advertising at the tees of at least three decent clubs.
I know that some people think it is a bad idea to plan that far ahead but I am actually a believer in a few things. For example, if you envision things they can happen - aim for the stars you may catch the moon, aim at the moon you may only catch a streetlight. If you write down your goals it is easier to achieve them - writing makes things more concrete in your mind by adding a physical aspect to a wish. And, the completion backwards principle works - figure out where you want to be and then figure out the steps required between here and there.
The interesting thing is that the new year is often a good time to catch people who need to get things done before tax time and before they have to set up the next year's budget. Since sending things out to anyone over the Christmas holiday is a waste of time - most unsolicited stuff from this time should rightfully end up in the trash - I will instead put together some databases. The one I have already for IT companies is pretty good but there is a lot of orignal equipment manufacturing going on in this city and I should be able to find a database of those guys. It will be interesting to see how many of them already have a web presence since creating one may be an additional service I can hit them with once my foot is in the door. Fortunately those things don't really take any of my time and I should even be able to farm out the writing and just oversee it in the way of editing - we shall see.
Off searching for a database.

Fear as a Motivator

2004-12-14T23:02:00.000-08:00

Over time I believe I have managed to be pushed into a few different things that I may not have tried merely because I was afraid not to. Nowhere is that more true than in my martial arts training. That I definitely joined out of fear of personal injury, however, that is not really the fear I want to deal with tonight. Instead I am more thinking of the fear I have always had of success or failure that I alluded to in my last missive. I am still not usre which one it is that holds me back but I also realize that it really doesn't matter as long as the result is the same. That being the case this blog becomes even more important since my fear of not completing what I have written in here is actually greater than whatever is holding me back.
I was thinking today about a couple of friends of mine from my past, three of them in fact, all writers, all who have been making a rediculous living from it for many years and all of whom started doing that with a hell of a lot less experience than I currently have. That forces me to ask myself what am I doing really with my time. Whenever I actually go out looking for work there is more than enough around and yet I am always on the edge of starvation with no money and nothing to show for my years of doing the same thing, and doing it fairly well I might add.
At any rate the only way I have ever been able to deal with the things that I fear is to face them head on or at the very least ignore them and keep doing what I need to do anyway in spite of my fear, and that is where I find myself today.
I tried a different approach in marketing that I had read about and actually got a response from one of the three people I sent it to. The others either have not opened their email or have deleted it as junk mail, a risk you take with email. I am however, pleased with the experiment and as well as following up with this one lead I will be sending more of these out, I may even make some changes to the brochure before it goes to print.
Between you me and the virtual world I think I may even try out a roller coaster this year, again it is a time of facing my fears and conquering them. If I am going to be successful and be able to do some of the things I have promised myself I would do this sort ofthing has to start and I am the only one who can do it.
I was just asked to do some more writing at my part-time day job and that should bode well for an increase in what they are paying me, freeeing me up to do the things necessary to promote my writing company.
Trying to add the meditation part into all of this is hard but I think it becomes a necessary evil as I am somehow going to have to find the energy to do all the necessary leg work. As my friend from the coast said however, I could give this a solid try for six months - I have never really done that for any of the many careers I have had. The difference is that I have been doing this stuff for 12 years and I may as well get paid for it. There are so many spin-offs I should be able to stay busy for a long time.

As Time Goes By

2004-12-12T22:22:00.000-08:00

It is true that when you have put a goal in front of yourself it is often hard to keep. This week however, I did manage to do what I set out to do. Not only did I manage to get my website set up with google and using includes and all that stuff, I was also able to add some text and make it look a little better. Even more important, however, is that I actually put together the list of companies that I had been getting around to and the I went further and actually called some of the companies listed. I know now that instead of getting myself to phone at least 10 numbers I need to make sure I 'speak' to at least 10 people and I should probably start looking at talking to 20 people every time I sit down to make phone calls. That way I can at least get a good real view of how many people do want to hire me. I did get one good response and sent her some samples of my work, we'll see where that takes me since she actually sounded like she was looking for a writer but didn't want to get hassled. I don't think I need her so much as the idea of breaking the ice is even more important.
I sold life insurance many years ago and they used to say that if you spoke ot 10 people you should get 3 appointments and from there make 1 sale. I am not at all sure the numbers work the same way for writers but I do believe it is time I took the experience and training I gained in those years selling furniture, life insurance, clothing and cars and put it to use in an area that I am more comfortable selling.
Eventually, I expect to get to the point where I am getting some referrals from my clients and then I won't have to do as much cold calling. Ah the joys of having your own business. In truth if I don't try this I will never know if I could have gotten it to work. Yes, I sold life insurance but I didn't actually make those 10 phone calls, I hated selling cars, furniture was hell, clothing wasn't so bad but it didn't pay any real money so that was a bit of a waste of time.
This time has to be different, no longer can I wait to see if things break my way or if someone will come along and drag me along like a tail on their comet. Instead I am going to have to do what I have always encouraged my friends to do, follow through on what I said I would do and give it a real chance at success.
It is not as if I have any real choice if I think about it logically. I can't wait to find a job, especially since I have not really worked for anyone for some time. Also I don't want to be stuck working for anyone else, by working for myself I can build a company that I cna get a fair amount of money for when I am all done, so it is sort of in a way of making a pension plan for myself. I can't expect my school to pay for my retirement and I sure as hell plan on retiring.
This city has so much manufacturing and even more software than I had imagined so it is time to take it to the next level. Interesting that I was able to puch myself through University and through almost 20 years of martial arts and still I have trouble pushing myself to succeed. Makes me wonder if we are talking about a fear of failure or a fear of success, both can be debilitating but if you identify which your problem is you should be able to fix it. That is really why I have taken up meditating, I need to get inside my own head. Except for this journal I don't really talk to anyone about what I am really doing so meditation seems like the perfect medium, oh yeah just like talking to yourself in a blog I guess.
Not meditating as much as I should so I am off to do that now.

This is Hard

2004-12-08T22:58:00.000-08:00

So the hardest part of keeping a blog is actually doing the blogging. In the last couple of days I have actually managed to be very productive, not only have I managed to meditate I also got a database built so I can start sening information out to companies. I believe I will do a two pronged approach where I send some emails, have to watch for getting mistaken for spam, and others I call directly. At this point even one new contract would make the difference in what is going on in my life.

I think I am starting to figure out what keeps me from getting ahead and I may begin to put those ideas down on here for all to see, unless of course I decide that that would be indulgent and needlessly self-flagellating. Instead I believe I may stick to my goals and the things that I actually get done, not accomplishments so much as milestones that I am trying to reach. One of my first goals is to manage to make at least 10 calls every morning that I do not go in to the government office. This will be the real application of what I learned in selling Life Insurance that the bottom line is numbers, the more people you contact the more likely you are to make a sale and that's all this is really.

So the database that I put together is a collection of over 700 companies and while I am on the list myself I believe I should be able to pull enough people out who can use my services that I should be able to make a decent living. Not really sure if I want to keep working for the government even on a part-time basis, the fact is that I do not like the hurry up and wait or the sitting around while people have their heads in the wrong place.

You know, the reality is that I have never really given myself the real opportunity for success in an area like this and unfortunately if I don't do this I am going to find myself either working full-time for the gov or going on welfare and neither of those really appeals to me. All the parts are in place, time to get after it.

Push On

2004-12-06T21:34:00.000-08:00

So the whole idea of having a blog is having a positive effect on me. Already I have started to ensure that I am following through on the things I say I am going to do. And that is before I have even placed them on here. I think it may be a function of having this thing to look back at in a few months or years and actually face whether I have actually accomplished anything new. I am actually presenting my brochures to someone who can help me find new work tonight. Now it is still a matter of having them properly printed but that is a money matter and I can probably get it done within the next week. After that the cards. I have also applied to get Google ads and search on my site, even if it only brings in one client it will be worth it, hell its free. If I make that my normal search page, regardless of where I am it will enable me to make a couple of extra dollars anyway as I sit and do nothing. Adding the ads may also enable me to find others who need my services, which doesn't hurt either. In the end it is the follow through that will make the final difference.
I am also taking a look at doing something about my school since I realize that my back will not be great forever and at some time it is a matter of someone else taking over permanently. My original goal was never to start and run a school but having done so I don't really want it to stop just because I am gone, that makes it a school of personality rather than a school of skill and technique.

Keep Going

2004-12-06T21:33:00.000-08:00

You Must Start Somewhere

2004-11-30T22:04:00.000-08:00

As with anything that is worth doing there has to be a beginning point and this is mine. I have forever said I should write a book because so much has happened to me in my life, of course like so many others, talking is a lot easier than doing and here are always reasons to do something else. Therefore, I will try the method of the blog and hopefully since I know others, with little to do may read it, it should inspire me to follow through.
This is sort of a different version of what I had started on a website for my school but since it is unrelated to that I can be more candid and have a lot less censoring of myself. No idea if that will really make a difference to what I write anyway but it is nice to have the freedom. While I am at this I think I may also start the process of meditation, I have the tapes all I need to do is take the time. I guess that means I will be as surprised by anything that appears here as anyone else. Naturally, since I normally write for a living this will be more stream of consciousness than I can ever get away with so I have no idea what direction my ramblings might take.
I got the idea to do this from a friend who is currently going through some meditation exercises and the whole idea of keeping track of what he is doing has helped to keep him on track. I suppose that means I will have to set some kind of real goal for myself as well so I can at least show myself some progress.
Well I think I will try to talk to this thing at least once a day and we'll see what happens.